Villains! or How Everything I know I Learnt From Animation

It's been a while since I've done one of these, and what better way to celebrate Donna Murphy's induction into the Disney Villains Hall of Fame (with her deliciously scene-stealing Mother Gothel in Tangled) than by telling you what I've learnt from Disney's villains?

And so I give you, with my tongue clearly planted in my cheek,

The Top 10 Things I've Learned from Disney Villains

1. Mother knows best (Tangled).

Sure, she's overprotective and only has selfish reasons as to why Rapunzel should stay in her tower, but this kernel of wisdom need not be underestimated.

2. Don't ever underestimate the power of body language! (The Little Mermaid).

Who knew that the film that taught me the word 'reprimand' would also be the one to give me guiding when hitting up the clubs? That said, this works as advice for us that aren't also gifted with beautifully alluring voices (or sumptuous red hair!)

3. Good looks and impressive pecs won't get you the girl (Beauty and the Beast).

Someone had to break it to me (I mean, Belle chose the bear/beast for god's sakes!)

4. Be prepared (Lion King).

Some would say that boy scouts taught us this, but... I was never one to seek out old men to get a new badge, so it took an effeminate lion to teach me the basic tenet of Life: be prepared!

5. With infinite power comes responsibility (Aladdin).

Yeah, I didn't need Tobey to lecture me on this because Jafar had already taught me that if you get unlimited cosmic powers, you also get unfashionable Wonder Woman-like bracelets that imprison you.

6. Fashion comes at a price (101 Dalmatians).

One which is much too adorable to pay.

7. You can be cool and be flaming (Hercules).

Another gay-themed lesson from the greatest Disney soul-trader around.

8. There's always some hot new white thing ready to take your 'fairest of them all' crown. Also: apples/fruits are deadly (Snow White and the Seven Dwarves).

I've outgrown that last one, but that first lesson still sticks with me to this day.

9. Evening wear and swamps don't really mix (The Emperor's New Groove & The Rescuers).

Who knew Disney was so intent on teaching me what's appropriate to wear in swamps? [Oh Yzma, so full of wisdom (see more here)]

& of course, the takeaway:

10. Evil is sexy, alluring, seductive, stylish, witty, hip and hilarious, but sadly, it does not pay off and if you follow these villains' path you'll end up incarcerated, eaten alive by your cronies, dead or worse...

Pixar's Shorts or How Everything I Know I Learnt from Animation

Okay, so I am a PIXAR nut, sue me, okay? I already devoted a hilarious (if I say so myself) post to what I learnt from PIXAR's full-length motion pictures, but have any of you seen all the shorts? They are equally fantastic (duh!) and so I decided to showcase them (cause you SHOULD be looking out for each of 'em) and see what they can teach all of us.

Catch: I reduced it to one lesson per short.

(Oh, and if you're looking for the shorts based on the films, I decided they could wait - and also, you're already aware of those so...)

Everything I Know I Learnt from Animation - Pixar Shorts Edition

The Adventures of Andre and Wally B

3D Animation has come a loooong way.

Luxo Jr

Bigger balls are more fun to play with... BEACH balls people, c'mon!

Red's Dream

Clowns are scary.

Tin Toy

Babies are scarier!

Knick Knack

Souvenirs are only acceptable in PIXAR shorts, not in your home.

Geri's Game

Old people are easily entertained: they don't even need chess partners!

For The Birds

Being different is hard. So if you're tall and lanky and wear feathers, well, I'll be making fun of you with the rest of the bird-gang.

Boundin'

In the American imagination, even their mythological characters are plush toys.

One Man Band

Children should never be trusted with money.

Lifted

Fat, ugly supervisors with no facial expressions and a clipboard are hell to work with/for.

Presto

Don't piss off bunnies (see also Bugs Bunny).

Partly Cloudy

Animal babies are cute. Though of course puppies are cuter than baby alligators.

The Emperor's New Groove, or How Everything I Know I Learnt From Animation

The Emperor's New Groove might be one the wackiest, craziest and most post-modern animated films ever churned out by Disney Animation and for that (and for a certain Ms Kitt) I heart it, so I figured I'd give it the 'EIKILFA' treatment (I should work on a better acronym, no?).

So here goes:

The Yzma/Krunk & co Edition

1. Siblings are annoying. Yah-haaah. Nah-haah. Yah-haaah.

2. Evening-wear + Swamp = Not a Pretty Sight.

3. Only in animation can you successfully stage a 'Just Shoot Me' reunion. Seriously, that show only makes me want to just shoot myself, but here, I love David Spade (so perfectly cast) and well, you can never go wrong with Ms Malick, right?

4. Irony. Yes, you heard me. Yzma taught me irony:

Krunk: Hey, that's kinda like what he said to you when you got fired.

Yzma: I know. It's called a "cruel irony", like my dependence on you.

Not Alanis, sadly, despite what she may think.

5. Puss in Boots did not invent nor does he hold the ™ on Googly-cutey-eyes. I mean: don't they look cute?

6. Getting past crowds is hard, people! [See also: Gaston in Beauty and the Beast]. I cannot stress enough how this has helped me in my NYC-subway-addled days!

7. When dealing with a tough situation, imagine yourself in tight red pants and/or in a white flowy robe. Okay, so maybe it's not the greatest advice to take, especially from Krunk but seriously: have you never wondered what your angel/demon persona looks like?

8. Singing your own tune may sound good in your head, but makes you look like... well, Krunk. I have to stop myself so many times on the street (and on the subway, on the train, around campus, at restaurants, etc.) from doing this same thing it's crazy. Thanks Krunk!

9. Eartha Kitt is da shit. Yep, I said it. (Oh, wait I've said it before, no? It's okay, I'll say it again: she's great!)

What did you learn from Yzma & Krunk? (... wait, the movie is not about them? It's about some Pacha and a llama? Well, I must have a special print of it where it skips to every single scene with Ms Kitt in it... we call it the 'The Emperor's New Groove: Awesome Edition")

The Lion King, or How Everything I Know I Learnt from Animation

Everything I Know I Learnt From Animation: The Lion King Edition

So clearly I'm a child of the 90s and with that comes the educational value of the Disney animated musicals. You've seen what I learnt from a tale of love between a beauty and a beast; what a mermaid taught me while under the sea, and the Herculean lessons I gathered from that Greek-myth based film. But if there was a gigantic runaway Disney animated success in the 1990s it was a Shakespearean story (psst... it's  Hamlet!) set in the African serengeti. So, what did we learn from spending time with a pack of lions?

'Hakuna Matata' 

It's a problem-free philosophy!

Frisky girls will always want to be on top. 

Ed note: this doesn't change with age (See older Nala)

Effeminate birds make for great assistants. 

That works on so many levels I'm surprised Disney would even teach that!

Unwed, childless men are evil. 

You can tell by their swagger and their icy cold dialogue delivery.

James Earl Jones's voice is heavenly. 

For good contrast see Star Wars.

Sun = Good. Shadow = Bad. 

It's Western Civ 101, really.

Hyenas are prone to fascism.

Or was it fascism = bad? I forget sometimes.

Babies are everything.

Yes, this film is 'heteronormativity' 101.

What did Simba & co. teach you?

Kung Fu Panda, or How Everything I Know I Learnt from Animation

Everything I Know, I Learnt from Animation

(2008 Academy Award Nominee) Kung Fu Panda

Other than the maxim "There is no secret ingredient" the greatest thing Kung Fu Panda taught me was to marvel at Dustin Hoffman's thespian skills. Sure we all know his apex was in the 1980s what with Kramer vs Kramer, Rain Man and Tootsie, but lately? Supporting roles haven't really showcased his work, and his leading men have been MIA except for that Magorium film - anyone watch it? So, with this and Last Chance Harvey Dustin shows us why he's one of the best. Especially since the rest of the voicework in this film (Angelina I'm talking to you!) seems so phoned-in.

He does comedy. Really working the slapstick and the snarkiness:

He goes all sad and down when his friend dies:

He works the intimidation factor even though he's a) tiny and b) a red panda.

He even does his own stunts!

But more importantly (cause y'know that since Shakespeare's time they loved this), he gets a death scene and nails it:

Wall‧E, or How Everything I Know I Learnt from Animation

Everything I know I Learnt From Animation

(MULTIPLE 2008 Academy Award Nominee) Wall‧E

Sure, the Academy left off both TDK and PIXAR's gem of a movie of their Best Picture lineup, but at least it gave it a hat tip in the way of a record 6 nominations for an Animated Film (tying that other Animated film that DID crop up in the Best Picture lineup, Beauty and the Beast). And nomination or no nomination it won't tarnish the technical wizardry of Stanton & co. And so I give you,

Top Ten Things the 'Little Robot That Could' Taught Me.

- If you want your movie to look and sound gorgeous, hire Roger Deakins and Thomas Newman (see also: Revolutionary Road):

- Years from now, sporks will still confound the world:

- Barbra and her legacy will outlive us all:

- Spying on girls with guns never has a happy ending:

- Only one of you needs to be conscious for a date to be successful:

- OCD is not restricted to humans:

- Be friendly to whoever you meet. It always comes in handy:

- My name (Manuel) makes for a great punchline:

- Somebody always gets left behind...

- Nothing beats the spark of romance:

What did Wall‧E teach you?