Desperate Housewives Season 4 Finale (with additional 5 Years Later ending!)
As if they hadn't cemented the whole 'Season 4' is D-Hoe's comeback!/as good as 'Season 1'! raves, the writers and actors of Desperate Housewives proved in the finale that things, indeed, have rarely been this juicy since their freshmen year. The two-hour season finale showcased what the D-Hoes do best: catty banter (any Gaby line, really), suburban drama (highbrow: Lynette in jail for child abuse; lowbrow: Bree catering Lee and Bob's commitment ceremony); marital drama (Bree and Orson, Lynette and Tom), slapstick humour (Mike calling Susan's son 'Maynard') and in the midst of it all dark deep (criminal) secrets (Catherine/Dylan's past finally revealed!). And not one aspect of the story lines was without its moments of brilliance.
I could go into detail about the things I loved (Bob and Lee's commitment ceremony and the hilarity that ensued, Susan's actually funny story line about 'Maynard'), or about the things that made me laugh out loud (Bree telling Lynette how horrid her napkin swans are, Carlos yelling for help at the closet), or about the things I enjoyed (Susan and Julie's reverse 'I'm going to college' conversation, Kayla finally leaving), or about the things I gasped at (Catherine's secret: no one killed anyone! Wayne going all '24' on Adam! and of course the '5 Years Later' bit!) but instead I'll just give a short commentary on the 5 years later bit (the thing everyone's yapping about!) and jot down my fave lines from the episodes (more for keepsake than for anything else):
Husband? Still with Orson, Check.
Kids? Andrew's still around. We can easily suppose Benjamin's in the house. Who knows where Danielle is?
Job? Cookbook author (and 24/7 suburban housewife and mom we suppose).
Looks? Just as uptight and beautiful as we remember.
Husband? Still with Tom, YAY!
Kids? If you mean juvenile delinquent twins, yes. We assume the rest of the pack's still around, sans Kayla of course (thank god! - creepy kids, not cool. See Julia Stiles' The Omen)
Job? Not mentioned. Do we think Scavo's survived?
Looks? Sporting a not so hot cut, but we'll take anything over 'em Cancer scarves.
Husband? We don't know.
Kids? A marrying Romanian girl who she calls Dylan but isn't 'Dylan' of course.
Job? Still mysterious as ever that Catherine ("aloof" might be a good word to describe her)
Looks? Only housewife I thought looked better in the flash-forward actually.
Husband? Still with Carlos, we assume? Or was she just gonna 'fix' dinner for the girls?
Kids? HA! Two girls! Who love ravaging her closet.
Job? Full time mom? I'm elle oh elling too much at the thought.
Looks? I will miss Ms Longoria-Parker's lovely looks, as she was sporting a horrible sweatpants and no makeup combo, but oh the things Latinas do for their men...
Husband? Yes: NOT-Mike! Hooray! The weakest link in the show has been removed! Instead she's now married to Brian Kinney er... Gale Harold. Hot.
Kids? We assume poor Maynard's still around, and Julie must be somewhere...
Job? Full time Gale Harold-loving? I want her job.
Looks? Thankfully the flash-forward allowed Teri Hatcher to finally look her character's age (ouch... just had to!)
Carlos: Gaby don't go up there, it's dangerous.
Gaby: Not as dangerous as poverty!
Lynette: You know I like giving people the benefit of the doubt.
Bree: No, you don't!
Lynette: Okay that's true, but let's say I did...
Bob: Lee, remember how you said I should tell you when you're acting like Faye Dunaway in the boardroom scene from Mommy Dearest...?
Lynette: That's not a cherub. It has no wings.
Bree: And the David has no arms, deal with it.
Bree (to Orson): Don't you dare throw your calligraphy skills at me when you know I'm at a low point!
Gaby (to Carlos): Come on, we're never gonna have kids. Shoes are my kids! Let me be the mother I was meant to be.